


The Fundamental Things Apply

by mariatyler



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Pretend sex, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 01:22:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariatyler/pseuds/mariatyler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten/Rose and a few clichés.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fundamental Things Apply

“We got married? And you didn’t _tell_ me?” Rose exclaimed, storming into the TARDIS.

The Doctor walked up the ramp behind her, tugging on his ear sheepishly. “I didn’t think you’d make a big deal out of it…”

She whirled around to face him and poked him in the chest. “Well guess what. Marriage kind of is a big deal for humans.”

“But it’s not like it meant anything,” he tried to reason. This did not go down very well. Rose folded her arms and glared at him. He winced. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? But if I’d told you at the time, you would’ve got all weird about it and stopped it, and they wouldn’t’ve taken too kindly to that, believe me.”

“But it’s not exactly good protocol to force two tourists to get married, is it? I mean, what gives them the right?”

He shrugged. “I dunno, it’s just their thing.”

“What do you mean it’s ‘just their thing?’”

“It’s part of their culture. If they see an unmarried couple, they throw a wedding for them. They think it’s nice.”

Rose narrowed her eyes at him. “Hold on. You knew this beforehand?”

“Knew what?” he asked, his eyebrows lifting innocently.

“That this was something that might happen when we visited them.”

“I…well, technically, I suppose - ”

“Doctor!” she shouted, outraged that he would keep it from her.

“But – but – well, to be fair, I didn’t think that it would be all that likely for them to marry us, seeing as we’re, you know, not actually a couple and everything.”

“Well, whatever the reason, we’ll have to get it annulled,” Rose sighed. 

The Doctor frowned. “It’s only legally binding on that one planet, Rose. I hardly think it’s necessary to go back there and - ”

“Fine. But if ever this situation happens again, you tell me at the time, all right?”

He nodded. “All right. I promise.”

::

_Three weeks later_

“Er, Rose?”

“Mmm?”

“Now would probably be a good time to tell you that I suspect this festival is in honour of us,” he muttered.

“What, ‘cos we saved the day?”

He tugged on his ear. “Not…exactly.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s just say these people are very reverent when it comes to, ahem…”

“To what?”

He shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably. “You see that statue over there, in the centre?” he said, pointing across the beach.

“Yeah?”

“Well. That’s a statue of their fertility goddess.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Indeed.”

“So… what are they gonna do?”

“Um.” He swallowed hard. “Well…”

She rolled her eyes. “That doesn’t sound too good.”

“They might maybe possibly want us to, uh, consummate their…festivities.”

“We’d better leg it back to the TARDIS then, hadn’t we?” she said quietly.

He nodded. “Yes. Okay.” He held out his hand and she grabbed it tightly. “On the count of three, run.”

“Okay.”

“One.”

They glanced furtively this way and that.

“Two.”

They clearly envisioned their route of escape.

“Three!”

They took off at a run, only to meet part of the tribe they had been running from at the entrance to the TARDIS.

“Ah.”

She whispered to him, “There is no way I’m shagging you for the first time in front of dozens of aliens on a beach in the middle of February.”

“They don’t have a February,” he murmured.

“It feels like bloody February,” she shivered.

“I’m not quite sure how we’re going to get out of this,” he admitted out of the corner of his mouth, smiling blandly as the tribe came over to them and subtly guided them back to the main camp.

She heaved a sigh. “We’re gonna have to pretend, aren’t we? Oh god. This is gonna be so embarrassing.”

“What?”

“Mind you, I s’pose actors and actresses have to do it all the time.”

“What?”

“Fake sex scenes in films and whatever. We’ll just have to do that. Trick ‘em into thinking it’s the real deal.”

“Oh. Right,” he finally replied, understanding. “I see.”

::

_Fifteen Minutes Later_

“Doctor,” she murmured, biting her lip to hold back a giggle.

“Hmm?” he squeaked.

“That’s not – you haven’t – is that…?”

He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he replied.

“You don’t have to apologise,” Rose assured him, and promptly muffled her laughter with the back of her hand.

“Stop it,” he groaned. “Don’t laugh at me, come on. You’re my best friend, you’re not supposed to laugh at me when I’m in embarrassing situations.”

“I think that’s exactly what I’m supposed to do,” she corrected, but she composed herself. “Anyway, I meant what I said just now. You don’t have to say sorry. It’s quite impressive, really. I mean it is February, and you’re still…”

Gritting his teeth, he replied, “They don’t have a February.”

“Still, it’s very cold. I’m kind of flattered, actually.”

He closed his eyes. “This is so humiliating.”

“Oi! You saying that it’s weird that you could feel turned on by pretending to have sex with me?”

“Noooo,” he drawled quietly. “I’m saying that it’s – wait. Hold on, are you glad?”

“Am I glad what?”

“Are you glad that I have an erection?”

“What kind of question is that?” Her cheeks grew hot.

“A fairly simple one, really,” he replied, and arched an eyebrow. “Ooh, look. I think I’m regaining the high ground.”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be daft.”

“I never stopped to consider that you might be -”

“Don’t,” she murmured warningly.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t say it.”

He grinned wickedly. “Oh, you like this just as much, don’t you?” He sounded very pleased. “Ha! Rose Tyler fancies me. Fancy that!”

“Shut up,” she muttered. She went even redder. “Not like you didn’t know that before.”

“Well I knew that you enjoyed flirting with me. Didn’t know you secretly lusted after me.”

“You are so annoying.”

“But apparently you still think I’m sexy, so I think I can handle that.”

“If you’re not careful I’ll ask you to have sex with me for real,” Rose muttered.

“Now wouldn’t that be something?” he teased.

“Doctor.”

“Right, sorry,” he said, not sounding at all apologetic. “I’ll stop being inappropriate. Would you answer me one tiny little question, though?”

“Fine. What?”

“Someday, can you actually do that.”

“Do what?”

“Ask me to have sex with you for real.”

“You want me to ask you that?” she retorted.

“I want a lot of things.”

“Oh god,” she murmured, biting her lip. She couldn’t quite hide her grin.

“Is that a smile?” he smirked.

“Might be,” she replied. “If you’re lucky.”

“So will you?” There was a challenge in his voice.

“I might,” was her elusive reply.

He chuckled and then tilted his head towards hers. “Tell you what,” he whispered, mouth hovering an inch above her lips. “Why don’t we just - ”

He was untimely interrupted by the leader of the community. “Does this act usually involve so much verbal communication where you are from?”

“Oops,” Rose mumbled.

“Why yes, it does,” called out the Doctor, before murmuring to Rose, “I think they are doubting the legitimacy of our…performance.”

“Don’t you dare suggest it.”

“Suggest what?” he asked innocently.

“Suggest that we actually…you know…in front of them.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it!” he assured her. He paused. “Well, I might dream of it, but I wouldn’t actually do it. I’m not an exhibitionist, Rose Tyler.”

“Pfft.”

“I think you should moan a bit.”

“You think I should what?”

“Well, let ‘em know you’re enjoying yourself,” he whispered. “Go on, make a few noises.”

“Noises?”

“Yes, noises. Sex noises.”

“No way.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s embarrassing!”

“It needn’t be.”

“You do it then.”

“What?”

“You make sex noises.”

“No!”

“Why not?” she parroted.

“Because I’m a Time Lord!”

“You’re a hypocritical chicken is what you are.”

“Rose, if you’re going to be mean to me then this isn’t going to work,” he harrumphed.

“Don’t see you losing any of your ardour.”

“It’s not exactly fair, is it? That you can feel what you do to me but I’m unable to feel what I’m doing to you.”

“You aren’t doing anything to me,” she said primly.

The Doctor smirked at her. “Well, we both know that’s a lie.”

“Enough!” announced one of the alien voyeurs. “You two are far too annoying. You are free to leave!”

::

_Thirty Seconds Later_

The Doctor and Rose were walking back to the TARDIS in silence.

Her arms folded, Rose huffed, “I feel quite offended.”

“Hmm?”

“Well, they got bored of us!”

“Yeah. Not very flattering, I suppose.”

“It’s like we weren’t good enough!” she said next.

“Well, we were only pretending. And we were sort of having an argument at the time.”

“Still.” She sighed. “Oh well. At least they let us go.”

“Yeah.”

They reached the TARDIS finally, and Rose used her key to unlock the doors.

Once inside the console room, they looked at each other awkwardly.

“So,” said Rose.

“So,” the Doctor agreed.

Rose bit her lip. “You know…I feel like we have something to prove, now.”

His eyes lit up. “You do?”

“Mmm.” She stepped towards him slowly. “I mean, they got bored, Doctor. We wouldn’t actually be boring, would we?”

As she came up to stand right in front of him, he placed his hands on her waist, watching her fiddle coquettishly with his tie. “Of course we wouldn’t be boring,” he replied in a low voice. “We would be spectacular.”

“Brilliant!” Rose suggested with a grin.

“Fantastic,” he added.

She nodded her head towards the corridor that led to the depths of the TARDIS. “Fancy giving the sex thing a go, then?”

“Oh, most definitely.”

They both smiled, then raced each other to the nearest bedroom. And it so happened that they then shared what was the least boring display of sexual intercourse in the history of sexual intercourse.

_~ The End_


End file.
